The thinking woman's guide to conflict

I have often been accused of being contrary, argumentative, obstinate, and an "exactitude" (which according to the dictionary is "the quality or state of being accurate or correct").  I couldn't agree more!  Wait, is that out of character?  Maybe I'm just being contrary?

I love to play with ideas, rock them about in my palm like dice, throw them on the table, see where they land and try it again.  I live by the Voltairian (or at least, this was attributed to Voltaire and never proved) ideal of wanting to hear people express themselves, even if I disagree with them, and being willing to defend their right to those opinions, even while I squash them as foolish or erudite!  What fun!  What madness the human ego that tries to make itself the thing that it expresses!  Let us pull this apart and expose our ridiculous underbellies: our fears, our attachments, our magical thinking.

After thirty-two years of pissing people off or sending them running for the hills, I've accepted I'm a bit of a Jordan (thanks Brent Curtis, for finding my doppelganger):

"I'm 19 and I'm brilliant and I'm hyperkinetic so guys are a little afraid and if I'd stop to think about it I'd be upset."

Maybe this isn't such a bad thing.  I know I can appear aggressive and overwhelming to the conflict-adverse (friendship-sweater, anyone?), but aggression is by its definition the pursuing of aims at the expense of other people's rights and freedom.  I would like to think I am more assertive than aggressive (though I have, I'm embarrassed to admit, kept on talking to people through bathroom doors or followed them into washrooms - see this clip for a perfect example), not because I'm a boundary-bashing-rights-violating-monster (I hope!) but because I am completely unaware of the fact (when I'm caught up in a thought-experiment) that other people's bodily needs (and need for privacy) trump intelligent and meaningful idea-sharing!  My friend Julia, bless her, calls this being "aggressively helpful."  My mum just tells me to "give her five minutes of peace" and then promises to let me continue my diatribe.  Now that I have two boys who try to sit on my lap while I urinate and follow me everywhere while chattering incessantly, I totally and blissfully understand.  Good debates can, and sometimes should be, interrupted.  I've gotten better at being patient.  I can now wait almost ten minutes without talking.  It gives me time to refine my argument and make it better so when they emerge I can be triumphant!  Hurrah! 

All is not lost!  New research is leading me to believe that there may be a method to my madness.  Willful ignorance (pretending not to know that which you know because you don't want to do anything about it) has always driven me mad (especially when I engage in it myself).  Today I watched Dare to Disagree, this excellent TedTalk by Margaret Heffernan, in which she argues that "openness alone can't drive change"; that thinking aloud together (even purposefully looking for defects in one another's arguments which I have always been told is "too critical" of me) is actually creative, problem-solving, and necessary.  There is a distinct difference between "stirring the shit-pot" just because you are bored and/or attached to discord and being actively and acutely aware of the ramifications of your hypothesis and sharing it anyway. Whistle-blowers and change agents are often seen as "crazy" or anti-authoritarian but it doesn't do us any favors to surround ourselves with partners/friends/colleagues who are echo-chambers for our own beliefs, values, and opinions.  

This isn't saying we should marry an atheist if we are a born-again Christian and expect it to work out, it is saying that we may LEARN something through our failure to co-exist.  And that is the fascinating thing about life: learning, which seems to me to be intricately intertwined with conflict.  When we all "just get along" we may feel safe but we may also be perpetuating horrible deeds in our "groupthink" mentality (Holocaust, anyone?).

"The truth won't set us free until we develop the skills and the habit and the talent and the moral courage to use it."  ~ Margaret Heffernan.

Here's to trying!  May I have the humility to have my ideas and opinions tossed about like cannon fodder without being attached to them as piece of my soul.  May I learn how to engage people's intellects without making them feel as if I am attacking their person-hood or invading their space uninvited.  May I develop the skills, habit, talent and moral courage to be a better truth teller, and seeker, than I am at present.  And may I have immense gratitude for the lovely people in my life who are willing to engage in this quest with me!