Whoa! Where am I?

__________________________________________________Librarians are encyclopedias of AWESOME__________

Monday, January 30

Out.running.storms



Out.running.storms

Crouched like kerosene lamps
in a rainstorm
eyes flickering while we squat
naked on the plastic shower floor

I rock, knees at my chest
you, contorting to meet me
thin lips form soft kisses that
make their way to full cursive tumblings
locked fingers, drunk tongues

Black dirt thoughts
gong my eardrums
escape me, my demons
run home, run away
be anywhere but here

Your devil-hearts like icicles
tug on my fear-hairs
shivering, I’m thunder skies
waiting for the light

To be caught in the downpour
leaves me raw, drenched and vulnerable
seeking cover from storm clouds
under clean nights


© Jenn Carson 2012
Please do not quote or reproduce this work without permission from the author.

Friday, January 27

The Quitter


Anyone who reads a lot of comics or graphic novels is familiar with Harvey Pekar, of American Splendor fame.  For those who don't, I'll bring you up to speed: Pekar is a now late-middle age Jewish guy of Polish immigrants who has lived in Cleveland, Ohio his whole life.  He became famous through his friendship with Robert Crumb, illustrator-king of underground comics, who at the time they met was just a 19 year-old-kid with a similar obsession for Jazz records.  Pekar was a regular reader of comics but saw a distinct gap between the traditional storyline of the genre at the time (i.e.: mostly superhero comics) and wished there was something more for the "everyman."  So he crudely drew some storyboards that he thought were funny and honest and appealing.  Crumb, who at this time was already an obsessive pen-and-ink man and worked for the American Greeting Card Company, agreed to illustrate them.  That was the beginning of American Splendor, which went on to great success.  In 2003 a movie with the same title, starring Paul Giamatti as Pekar, came out to great critical acclaim and shot Pekar and his curmudgeon ways even farther into the limelight.  It also delved into his marriage to wife Joyce, his adopted daughter, and his long career as a federal file clerk.

Quitter tells us the back story.  For the first time we get a focused look into the anxiety and loneliness and distinctly immigrant experience of Pekar's background.  We meet his uptight, depressive mother and hardworking, unemotional father.  He explores the feelings of isolation he had, being the only Polish Jew in a distinctly poor, Black neighbourhood.  He tells us his history of street fighting and remarkable talent for sports (that you would never guess from his later work).  His shyness around girls.  His self-loathing.  His obsessional interests in whatever had taken his fancy: sport statistics, comic books, boxing, Jazz music.  We also get to see his young friendships and his failures at day jobs (including a one-week stint in the Navy) while he triumphed as an unpaid Jazz writer.

Most importantly, we can see how his intelligence, talent and struggle to be a writer was greatly thwarted by his family's lack of faith in his non-traditional interests; and his undiagnosed mental illness caused him severe self-doubt, depression, and self-sabotage.

For all the truth of the title, we can see why Pekar would consider himself a "quitter," he gives up on himself far more often then he follows through with any of his ideas or dreams or vocations.  But the reality is that on the surface he may be a "quitter" but in the long run of his life he has stuck by a difficult marriage and unplanned fatherhood, survived fame and cancer, and maintained his file clerk job for 30 years.  So his rocky beginning does not necessarily belie his true nature.  As usual, Pekar always sees the short end of the stick.

Thursday, January 26

No power? No problem!

It scares me how little we as a culture know about taking care of ourselves.  The average town has about 3 days worth of supplies in the case of an emergency.  3 days!  Can you imagine the chaos?  I must have at least 3 weeks worth of food in my larder.  And that's not counting the freezers.
The power went out today unexpectedly, for a number of hours.  It was starting to get chilly so I built a nice fire.  Then I boiled some water on top and made tea and some eggs for lunch.
I wanted to read but, of course, there was no light.  But it was a nice sunny day, so I went outdoors.  Cold?  No problem, dress warm!  I had a great time on the back deck reading Joel Salatin's Folks, this ain't normal: A Farmer's Advice for Happier Hens, Healthier People, and a Better World.

Good book.  Good tea.  Good times.
"When a child plays a video game, if the race car wrecks, in a few seconds the game gives him a new one and he goes right on playing...No one, at any other time in human history, has been able to replace their materials, their tools, their playthings with such instant fabrication or resurrection.  Life is not like this at all...If your tomato plant dies because you failed to water it, you don't count to ten and watch a miraculous resurrection."

Like Joel, it makes me scared and sad that people think there are an endless supply of tomatoes.  Who grows those tomatoes?  Do you know where they came from?  If there was suddenly no more oil to transport them from California (or to make pesticides), what would you do? 
What did I spend the afternoon doing?  Not shopping for out-of-season tomatoes.  Not playing video games.  Though both of those activities aren't inherently bad.  It's when people are dependent on them that scares me.
Nope, I sorted my old clothespins.  Took out the rotten and broken ones.  Sat in the warm sunshine and thought about spring and fresh laundry.  Ahh....delayed gratification.

Tuesday, January 24

Geek Girls Unite


I really wanted to like this book.  After all, with a subtitle like: "How Fangirls, Bookworms, Indie Chicks, and other Misfits are Taking Over the World"...how could I not?

It's no secret I'm a geek and proud of it: Geeky employment and educational history?  Check.  Glasses?  Check.  Obscure record collection?  Definitely.  More bookshelves than appropriate wall space?  Wouldn't have it any other way. 

This book didn't excite or inspire me, it just made me tired.  Tired that we live in a culture where women who have chosen to think for themselves have now been offered a book where we get....GUY ADVICE?  Seriously!?  Depending on the kind of "geek" you are (Fashion Geek or Film Geek, but never both!) you get advice on the kind of guy that would best compliment your "geekiness."  Yes, seriously.  I may as well have been reading an article in Cosmo.

I therefore refuse to waste anymore type on this schlock so here is my uber-concise summary:   Bleh.

Forgetfulness


Great animated poem by former US Poet Laureate Billy Collins.  Enjoy!!!!

Monday, January 23

Needs.nettled


Needs.nettled

The tourist rolled up two American dollar bills
tight like a secret
placed them in my hand
not a bribe, she said
but to buy school supplies for my kids

My blind aunt sent over a box filled with frozen turkey
potatoes and canned beans
her Christmas feast from the food bank
not a handout, she said
but things I needed more than her

Poor, it appears, is relative
generosity too



©Jenn Carson 2012

Please do not quote or reproduce this work without permission from the author.


What Do Women Want? Bread, Roses, Sex, Power


I love Erica Jong.  I don't always agree with her, but she always gives me a good kick in the ass when I need it most. 

This book came out in 1998 and I'm only getting around to reading it now.  It is a collection of essays centering around the essential question of what women most desire.  And the truth is, as any lover worth his (or her) salt knows: we want everything!  Drawing on such varied figures and topics as Anais Nin, Nabokov, Hillary Rodham Clinton and her husband's penis, Princess Di, James Joyce, pornography, plastic surgery, and Viagra; Jong skewers politicians, porn stars and virgins alike.

Though not always an engrossing read (I skipped around from chapter to chapter depending on my current attention span), the book has its memorable moments.  My favourite being when Jong recalls throwing a glass ashtray at the television in her hospital room after enduring a painful C-section with the birth of her daughter.  The program?  An anti-abortion diatribe by a priest and male politician; people without a uterus who have the nerve to tell us what to do with ours! 

The book is full of great Jong one-liners: "You were born to breed and die and the heart breaks either way."

The best chapter, for personal if not political reasons, is The Perfect Man.  Because, if we are going to be frank, and Jong always inspires frankness, is that is what almost every heterosexual woman is in search for, resenting, frustrated with, or completely given up on.  Keep in mind Jong has been married four times, so I consider her to be quite an expert on the relentless search for "getting it right."  As she admits, sometimes the man who is perfect for one stage of your life, say the stable provider, is not who you need twenty years later, when you want a passionate best friend.  As Jong points out, for years women had to sell their beauty and sexuality in order to acquire social status and financial stability.  Now that we no longer have to give up our sexuality (I can live in my own house and sleep with whom I please thank-you-very-much!), why should we?  Most men certainly don't!  Three cheers for freedom of speech and freedom to choose!

Winter.West Side




Winter. West side

There are two belly-heavy men
working on a van
that’s been jacked up in the driveway
three days now

A child plays underfoot
his red mittens hanging on a string
fingers stiff and frostbitten
they slide his tiny body under the chassis
getting grease on his dingy blue parka

A big brown cat prowls the front yard
picking its way over plastic trucks
rusted shovels, crusts of leftover snow
a fat cheetah chasing prey in a wasteland

The men will stop their work
to drink beer
yell at the dog
say fuck you or hello to passing ramshackle cars

The child cries from cold and boredom
great rivers of snot flooding red cheeks
and a woman occasionally peers out
through the cracked window pane
aware of her son’s fate
cigarette dangling from her warm fingertips



©Jenn Carson 2012
Please do not quote or reproduce this work without permission of the author.

Sunday, January 22

Meuble.immeuble



Meuble. immeuble

You love me
care for me
like a piece of furniture
polished and ready to display for company
should there ever actually be any

Just the right addition
to your impeccable condo and collections
I have a few nicks that can be hidden
a few smudges that are glossed over
and invisible in the precision of track lighting
I was a bargain
my flaws a fair trade-off
for the void I filled in your master floor plan

You would never abuse my silky finish
or leave me messy, dusty, and dented
in fact
you are most happy to keep a great distance
walking around me in wide angles
throwing over occasional glances of pride
the living room showpiece
the good deal you had been waiting for

It’s not a bad life
for an inanimate object
to be neglected out of love

But being a breathing, heaving, needing creature
of desire and depth and opinion and form
I fear exposure to that kind of affection
will turn me into your coffee table
wooden, hard, hushed
contented with the loving caress of a dry cloth
admired and looked at, but never really seen

It’s not a bad death
for an animate object
to be neglected out of love





©Jenn Carson 2012

Please do not reproduce or quote this work without permission of the author.

Monday, January 16

The Dirty Life: A Memoir of Farming, Food, and Love

 
Parental Advisory Warning: This is complete and pure FARM PORN.  If you get squeamish at the mention of consuming blood pudding or afterbirth, this is not the book for you.  If chasing runaway draft horses on a bicycle doesn't get your heart pumping, perhaps a wedding in a hayloft or a demolition derby might do the trick?  This is the ultimate romance novel for every country woman who dreams of a delicious, muscular, hard-working hunk to throw us over his shoulder and give us a romp in the hay.  But, this isn't a novel.  Ask any woman who's ever spent any time with a farmer, even a beautiful, romantic, idealistic one, and the truth is, as my friend Andrea says dryly about her dairy-farmer husband: "I never knew he'd always be so DIRTY."

Kristin Kimball was a jaded, New York hipster who fell in love with the wrong man.  Mark was NOT the person she was looking for.  NOT the man her middle-class Republican parents hoped she would marry.  But frankly, Mark is irresistible, even to her readers, even when he is acting sorta obsessive and crazy, which is often.  This is a man who cannot tell a lie, believes he possess a "magic circle" that draws everything he needs and wants into his life eventually, lives his romantic ideals (for better or worse), saves a giant roll of dental floss (for later use), prefers everything homemade, adores life and all its potentials, proposes on a mountain top and offers to take her name so their future children can feel the security of a linguistic family connection.  Can you blame Kimball for swooning? 

"Mark, I discovered, had never smoked or gotten drunk, he'd never tried drugs or slept around.  He'd eaten wholesome and mostly organic food, and he'd spent most days of his adult life doing some kind of arduous physical exercise.  He was the healthiest creature I'd ever laid eyes on.  Some people wish for world peace or an end to homelessness.  I wish every woman could have as a lover at some point in her life a man who never smoked or drank too much or became jaded from kissing too many girls or looking at porn, someone with the gracious muscles that come from honest work and not from the gym, someone unashamed of the animal side of human nature."


Amen.